your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
