Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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