I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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