garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
