Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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