we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
