I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
