WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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