What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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