I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
