Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
