The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
