I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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