We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
