I want to have your abortion
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
