Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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