I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
