Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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