News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
