"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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