if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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