This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So. Much. Porn.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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