gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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