you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
