Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
