I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
