Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
