i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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