cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
