I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
