Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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