youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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