I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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