There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize