I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i think my mom watched the whole time
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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