i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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