Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
