Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
