Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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