She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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