Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
