I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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