I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
