i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
