textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
