he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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