You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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