Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
