Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
