My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize