Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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