then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
