I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
