Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
