Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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