He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
