Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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