I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
