Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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