This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
