You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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