He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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