I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
